Journal of a Russian Imperial Guard soldier #9

Alexander Palace, 18 December 1916

The imperial family has been devastated by the death of Grigori Rasputin. He was murdered yesterday in the Moika Palace, home of the Yusupovs. His body has yet to be found. For a while I ignored whatever rumours the newspapers concocted about Rasputin's relationship with the imperial family. But as the rumours persisted, I began to feel confused. His death finally convinced me to find out for myself.

There were policemen guarding the entrance to Rasputin's apartment in Petrograd. They granted me entry since I was from the palace. I thoroughly searched the place and did not find anything confirming the rumours. Instead there was a letter addressed to the tsar, written only a few days ago. Rasputin predicted that death will soon befall the imperial family if he was killed by any of the tsar's relatives. I could not understand it, Rasputin was their confidant. Why would he write such a thing?

Olga was alone in the garden when I returned to the palace. She is ashamed of her cousin Dmitri Pavlovich for his involvement in killing Rasputin. Olga also expressed her hatred for Felix Yusupov. He never had the stomach to serve in the military yet he is capable of committing murder. She can never look them in the face again, knowing what they did.

I showed her the letter when we talked about Rasputin. She broke down in tears after reading it. Olga refused to believe he wrote it and was upset at me for showing it to her. She dropped the letter and went back into the palace. I only wanted her to know the truth, but I should have known better. Olga's health has been very poor lately and she is deeply troubled by the war. Now I have inflicted even more misery on her.

Journal of a Russian Imperial Guard soldier #8

Tsarskoye Selo, September 1914

It seemed only yesterday when the imperial family was on good terms with their German relatives. How times have changed so suddenly. Olga, Tatiana and their mother, the Empress Alexandra, have underwent training to become Red Cross nurses at a private hospital on the family's estate.

Our campaign on the front has been disastrous so far. A close friend of mine fell near Allenstein in late August. The Germans have been proudly calling it the Battle of Tannenberg. One of the wounded survivors at the hospital brought back his personal belongings, which I intend to send to his family. He vaguely remembered my friend's final moments, but I was glad to know that he did not suffer and was not alone when he died. A prayer was conducted but without a burial as his body was not recovered. His death has been difficult to bear.

While I was grieving outside the hospital, I felt someone patting my back. I opened my eyes to see Olga and Tatiana. They consoled me as I struggled with my tears, realizing I had lost someone very close to me. Olga reminisced about her childhood memories of her cousin Ella, who died when she was only eight years old. She struggled to cope with the loss for months. They both hugged me before they had to return to class.

Journal of a Russian Imperial Guard soldier #7

ГА РФ ф. 673 оп. 1 д. 232 л. 11 фото 163

Alexander Palace, March 1913

Tatiana was up very late, watching me on guard duty from the window of her isolation room. She still has a fever but her condition is improving. Olga passed me a note from Tatiana, promising to make it up to me for her absence at the ball. She asked me to walk by her window on my next night shift. When I did, she blew me a kiss, and I obliged her by fainting in the snow. I still hope to dance with her one day, but after that moment, what more can I ask for?

Anastasia was hiding up a tree in the afternoon. She was supposed to be studying but instead avoided her tutor. She only climbed down when I agreed to let her inside the guardhouse where it was warm, though I warned her that if a governess called I would have to escort her back to the palace. While Anastasia was resting on my bunk bed, she saw my journal on the bedside table and proceeded to read it. Ever since she first saw me writing she has been curious of its contents.

Anastasia came across a postcard of her family and another of herself in a white dress, both of which I keep in the journal. She returned to the palace and later came back with a copy of the original photo for me. The postcard of her family was signed by her siblings. Tatiana's signature was the most impressive. She signed hers with a grand flourish. Anastasia spent the next hour or so reading me her English essays. She was happy to practice with me because I did not behave like a tutor.

The scent of Anastasia's violet perfume was still on the bed sheets when I slept that night.

Journal of a Russian Imperial Guard soldier #6

 Winter Palace, February 1913

A luxurious ball was held in the capital to celebrate the Romanov Tercentenary. Tatiana had granted me the honour to be her escort before she fell ill with typhoid. She is recuperating in one of the upstairs bedchambers. I visited her first to wish her a quick recovery. She appreciated it and told me not to worry about her, wishing me a pleasant evening.

None of the grand dukes or princes had offered to escort the grand duchesses to the ball. To save them from embarrassment, officers from the Tsar's Escort voluntarily partnered Olga and Anastasia. I took the opportunity to ask Marie if I could accompany her, and she blushed as she delightfully accepted. She introduced me to her friends and relatives. Some of them joked that I was too thin for her. My low rank was also unimpressive to them, but Marie was not discouraged. She admired my full dress uniform and preferred my company more than her social equals.

We proceeded to the dance floor after dinner. Olga, however, remained at the table, apparently unenthusiastic about the party. I learned from Marie that her sister had fallen for a naval officer and was heartbroken when he got married. I wanted to cheer her up, so I later approached her for a dance. She was resplendent in her pink dress. While on the dance floor, Olga and I fell when I made a misstep and tripped. There were bursts of laughter all around us. I felt ashamed for humiliating her, but she smiled and insisted we finish our dance. The grand duchesses were talented dancers. I only wish Tatiana could be here.

As the evening wore on, I accompanied Olga and Marie to the grand staircase where we bade each other goodnight before they retired to their rooms. Anastasia was behind me, visibly upset because I never danced with her. I offered her my hand, but instead of returning to the ballroom she happily took me outside to dance in the garden. Afterwards we sat on a bench to rest. Anastasia was softly humming music that was playing in the ballroom, all the while leaning against me with her hands grasping my arm.

Anastasia has rarely ever showed her charming side to me in the past three years. As time went by, I saw less of her pranks and more of her loveliness. Either I have finally won her affection or merely satisfied the imp temporarily. I carried her back inside when she dozed off. I will never forget this night.

Journal of a Russian Imperial Guard soldier #5

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Alexander Palace, Summer 1911

Made a long patrol today. There was nothing to report. Time seems irrelevant except for the fact that I am bored and these hours alone are endless. My colleagues are only interested in making sure that the man beside them is doing their duty. The daily roll calls and regular inspections of our bunks and uniforms has become monotonous. It is difficult for me to muster any enthusiasm for my regular duties here.

The truth is, I am missing the company of the tsar's children. They have been spending their summer in the Finnish skerries. I can see all of their faces, but somehow it is not enough. I find myself drawn to them in ways much stronger than my obligations to the military. They have truly enchanted me. Perhaps it is my own fault that I grew so close to them. I often remind myself that they are the children of the Emperor of All Russia, so I must be careful not to overstep my boundaries.

My unit is no longer required to escort the tsar and his family on their holiday trips. We only have to accompany them as far as the yacht or train, after which responsibility is handed over to the navy and cossacks. With the imperial family gone for weeks, my colleagues enjoyed lesser workloads at the palace. I only look forward to going to bed to pass the time whenever I'm off duty, or going home when I'm granted leave.

Marie sent me a postcard with a picture of her and her siblings on the obverse. Very kind of her. I will be sure to write to her should the opportunity arise. It may be forward of me, but what can it hurt? After all, she is my friend. Sometimes I even think of her as a sister.

Journal of a Russian Imperial Guard soldier #4

Alexander Palace, Winter 1910

Marie and Anastasia came by the guardhouse today and had a snowball fight with me and my colleague. Soon a staff car carrying some minister arrived. We opened the gate for him while covered in snow. Amusingly, the little pair joined us in saluting the vehicle. We waited for it to pass us before resuming our snowball fight. Before they left, Marie gave me a flower which she had plucked from the garden, her gaze looking deeply into my eyes. When I told her that she was staring at me, she quickly covered her face in embarrassment and ran off.

A few hours later, Tatiana and I took a walk in the park. Anastasia suddenly pounced me from behind and ran off with my cap. While Tatiana was ordering her sister to give it back, I reluctantly chased after her and grappled her to the ground. Anastasia found my hands ticklish, so I proceeded to tickle her waist. She laughed hysterically but still refused to surrender my cap, clutching it tightly to her chest.

Tatiana saw her parents walking nearby and alerted me to their presence. I quickly helped Anastasia to her feet. I thought it best to let her be lest I incur the wrath of the tsar and empress for touching their daughter. Tatiana whisked me behind a tree for a moment, hoping they didn't see me. From there we resumed our walk. She came by the guardhouse afterwards with my cap and offered her apologies, promising to restrain her sister in future. I told her it was perfectly all right.

My colleagues believe that Anastasia would not trouble me if I learned to stop being such a weakling. She is a little annoying, though I have secretly grown to like her playfulness. I will not have the respect of my colleagues, but the company of a grand duchess is too good to give up. Sometimes when I'm on duty I would look in the direction of the palace, wondering if Anastasia will appear.

Journal of a Russian Imperial Guard soldier #3

Alexander Palace, 1910

The tsar's children were having a photo shoot. I tried to distract Anastasia by making silly faces from behind a doorway. Was hoping to get back at her for pranking me last time. Instead I attracted Maria's attention. She lost her concentration just as the photographer took their picture, and came running after me when the session ended. I did not attempt to flee from her. While I was explaining myself, Maria was hitting me with her fists. The Empress Alexandra hung the photograph on a wall in one of the palace rooms. Maria is embarrassed whenever she sees it.

There was a kitten stuck on top of a tree not far from the palace. I climbed up to retrieve it, and while I was making my way down I saw the Grand Duchesses Olga and Tatiana waiting below. The kitten belongs to them and they were looking for it after it snuck out of the palace. I was a bit nervous speaking to them because they looked very mature for their age. They heard about me from their younger sisters. When they took their kitten and walked in the direction of the palace, I overheard Tatiana whispering to Olga that I was very cute. I could die now.

The Tsarevich Alexei has a habit of walking past the guardhouse often, and we have to stand at attention whenever he appears. Fortunately, on the tsar's orders, we don't have to salute the tsarevich unless another member of the imperial family is with him. Anastasia knows of this however, and often accompanies her brother. It pleases me to see her around though.