Journal of a Russian Imperial Guard soldier #13

Alexander Palace, July 1917

Marie is recovering well. The tsar visited her as soon as her health began to improve, carrying breakfast to her bed. Once she was free of her wheelchair, she would enter my room and sit at my bedside to watch me sleep, greeting me when I awoke. In the evenings she would come in and wish me goodnight. When she was in the mood, which happened often, she would hide behind the doorway and scare me when I emerged.

Shortly after the tsar abdicated, he received a telegram from his cousin, King George V, offering asylum in England. But the tsar was not prepared to leave until his daughters had recovered from their illnesses. No word came from the British ever since, thus the imperial family remain under house arrest. I have lived to see something which I have never expected. Royal cousins wage war across Europe, now one is afraid to help the other in need.

The guards instructed us that only Russian is to be spoken in the palace. The family is barred from using the telephone or receiving visitors and any outgoing letters will be examined by the guard commandant. We are forbidden from leaving the palace except for fenced in areas in the park. Olga recognized a former colleague of mine among the guards. While he explained to me his decision to side with the revolutionaries, Olga looked away. Once he was gone, she told me he was a vile man. Only a few guards show respect for the imperial family.

We celebrated Anastasia's sixteenth birthday in the palace. Her hair was finally pinned up and she now wears ankle-length skirts like her sisters. However, clumps of hair were falling from the girls' heads as a result of the measles. They all had their heads shaved on 22 June, which was a terrible pity for Anastasia. The Tsarevich Alexei also had his head shaved to show solidarity. They are not ashamed to show their bald heads while walking outside or gardening.

Anastasia collected a lock of her strawberry-blonde hair and gave it to me, something to remember her by should we ever part ways. In the garden, she lit up a cigarette and offered to share it with me. We took turns smoking it. I savoured the lingering warmth of her lips on the cigarette with each puff. She giggled when I choked. I will miss seeing her long hair. It will take a while for it to grow back. But now that Anastasia is old enough to wear a chignon, she has suddenly blossomed into a beautiful young lady.

Journal of a Russian Imperial Guard soldier #12

Alexander Palace, 8 March 1917

Empress Alexandra instructed us to remove the imperial insignia from our uniforms to avoid provoking the rebels when they return. Morale disappeared when we received news that the tsar has abdicated. With each passing day several colleagues eventually left the palace. The situation was hopeless to them. Their loyalty to the imperial family had been pushed to the very limit.

Large numbers of troops led by a general appeared outside the palace. He ordered us to unlock the gates, threatening to use force if necessary. An officer told us to either surrender our weapons and leave or report to a garrison in Petrograd, declaring that the Imperial Guard has been disbanded. Alexandra thanked the guards for their loyal service and presented those who greeted her with icons as a farewell gift. She later met the general and informed her remaining staff that they had until evening to leave the palace or be placed under house arrest with the family. A few have chosen to stay.

Alexei is feeling better but Anastasia has succumbed to the measles, followed by Marie soon after. I was allowed into the sickroom once, but on the condition that I made no mention of the abdication. Only Marie knows that her father has abdicated. The past few days were agonizing for her and she is worried for her parents. She continuously prays for her father to return home safely. Her only consolation is knowing that I did not forsake her family.

I watched over the girls for about an hour before I had to leave while the nurses tended to them. Alexandra has given me my own room in the palace now that I was free of my duties. I only intend to stay until the family's house arrest has been lifted, but she welcomed me to stay with them for as long as I like.

Before I left the sickroom, Tatiana noticed that I was still wearing my imperial insignia. She cannot hear me because her illness has led to temporary deafness. I took off my overcoat and draped it over her, which she clutched with her hands. Tatiana knows that I had worked long and hard to earn it, but I was happy to be rid of it. The imperial family is all that matters to me now.

Journal of a Russian Imperial Guard soldier #11

 Альбом Николая II, 1913-1916 гг, 1536-0017 (Илья Григорьев | Flickr)

Alexander Palace, 28 February 1917

Have made first contact with the revolutionaries. A large mob attempted to storm the palace gates, but they dispersed when we fired warning shots into the air. I fear we will not be able to repel them again should they return with weapons. The Empress Alexandra was advised to evacuate her children to the safety of an imperial residence in Gatchina, but she has been reluctant as she is anxiously awaiting news from the tsar who is at Stavka.

Olga was startled by the gunshots. She is with Tatiana and Alexei in the sickroom. They contracted measles a week ago. I assured them that the palace is safe. However, I am speaking in half-truths. Ever since the revolution broke out, many of the palace guards have either deserted or failed to report for duty, leaving us desperately understaffed. But I cannot bring myself to tell her that. I am sure that Olga knows that I am holding back, but to her credit, she says nothing.

The sound of distant gunfire continued to echo through the frigid night. We were assembled in the courtyard, preparing for another confrontation. With rioting on the streets, many of the palace staff were compelled to return home to their families. I like to think that some of my colleagues are absent for the same reason, though the gunfire speaks to the contrary. Nurses from the hospital and friends of the imperial family are gradually arriving to offer their help.

In spite of the danger, Alexandra and Marie came out to see us, expressing their gratitude to each soldier for their continuing loyalty to the imperial family. The empress hopes that our presence alone will be enough to deter the rebels, avoiding any needless bloodshed. Marie looked very sick and pale as she slowly made her way down the line of guards with her mother. I advised her to go back inside the palace when she approached me, but she fell to her knees and begged me to stay. Marie was trembling. I wrapped my overcoat around her and accompanied her indoors. I have known the Romanovs for almost seven years and I am not about to abandon them now, especially in their time of need.

Journal of a Russian Imperial Guard soldier #10

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Alexander Palace, 21 December 1916

A funeral for Rasputin was held a short distance from the palace with the imperial family in attendance. While they were away, I neglected my duties and sat next to a river bridge on the edge of the park. I spent sleepless nights wondering what I had done to Olga. I had not seen her since we last spoke. It was peacefully quiet and I was glad to have some time to myself.

To my surprise, Olga appeared and sat next to me. Having filled her mind with doubt, she chose not to attend the burial. I do not know what excuse she gave for not going, but the empress must have been furious. Olga asked me about the letter and I reaffirmed its authenticity, telling her where I found it. She already knew it was Rasputin's as she recognized his handwriting, but was initially reluctant to accept it. Though the letter was in my pocket, she did not wish to read it again.

I never met Rasputin personally. My knowledge of him only came from newspapers and gossip, but Olga asked for my opinion of him. I think he was just a religious zealot who took advantage of her family's hospitality. But he should have been banished indefinitely from the capital, not assassinated. That was all I was willing to say to Olga. She doubts if her mother would have approved of banishing Rasputin, let alone sever all contact with him.

Olga removed a pendant from her necklace. It had a picture of Rasputin on it. She and her siblings have had one ever since he first came into their lives. Then she dropped it into the river, tucking the necklace with a baptismal cross back into her blouse. Olga feels that while it was perhaps necessary for him to be killed, it should not have been done so terribly. She knows that sooner or later she will have to visit Rasputin's grave, lest she defy her mother again.

Olga wanted me to swear that I will not tell her family about the letter. I could not bear to keep a secret from them, especially Marie and Anastasia. But I still care about Olga and don't want to lose her trust. I borrowed her cigarette lighter and used it to burn the letter, thereby ensuring the truth remains a secret between us. I told Olga how sorry I was for hurting her and she tearfully asked me to stay with her awhile longer, resting her head on my shoulder.

Journal of a Russian Imperial Guard soldier #9

Alexander Palace, 18 December 1916

The imperial family has been devastated by the death of Grigori Rasputin. He was murdered yesterday in the Moika Palace, home of the Yusupovs. His body has yet to be found. For a while I ignored whatever rumours the newspapers concocted about Rasputin's relationship with the imperial family. But as the rumours persisted, I began to feel confused. His death finally convinced me to find out for myself.

There were policemen guarding the entrance to Rasputin's apartment in Petrograd. They granted me entry since I was from the palace. I thoroughly searched the place and did not find anything confirming the rumours. Instead there was a letter addressed to the tsar, written only a few days ago. Rasputin predicted that death will soon befall the imperial family if he was killed by any of the tsar's relatives. I could not understand it, Rasputin was their confidant. Why would he write such a thing?

Olga was alone in the garden when I returned to the palace. She is ashamed of her cousin Dmitri Pavlovich for his involvement in killing Rasputin. Olga also expressed her hatred for Felix Yusupov. He never had the stomach to serve in the military yet he is capable of committing murder. She can never look them in the face again, knowing what they did.

I showed her the letter when we talked about Rasputin. She broke down in tears after reading it. Olga refused to believe he wrote it and was upset at me for showing it to her. She dropped the letter and went back into the palace. I only wanted her to know the truth, but I should have known better. Olga's health has been very poor lately and she is deeply troubled by the war. Now I have inflicted even more misery on her.

Journal of a Russian Imperial Guard soldier #8

Tsarskoye Selo, September 1914

It seemed only yesterday when the imperial family was on good terms with their German relatives. How times have changed so suddenly. Olga, Tatiana and their mother, the Empress Alexandra, have underwent training to become Red Cross nurses at a private hospital on the family's estate.

Our campaign on the front has been disastrous so far. A close friend of mine fell near Allenstein in late August. The Germans have been proudly calling it the Battle of Tannenberg. One of the wounded survivors at the hospital brought back his personal belongings, which I intend to send to his family. He vaguely remembered my friend's final moments, but I was glad to know that he did not suffer and was not alone when he died. A prayer was conducted but without a burial as his body was not recovered. His death has been difficult to bear.

While I was grieving outside the hospital, I felt someone patting my back. I opened my eyes to see Olga and Tatiana. They consoled me as I struggled with my tears, realizing I had lost someone very close to me. Olga reminisced about her childhood memories of her cousin Ella, who died when she was only eight years old. She struggled to cope with the loss for months. They both hugged me before they had to return to class.

Journal of a Russian Imperial Guard soldier #7

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Alexander Palace, March 1913

Tatiana was up very late, watching me on guard duty from the window of her isolation room. She still has a fever but her condition is improving. Olga passed me a note from Tatiana, promising to make it up to me for her absence at the ball. She asked me to walk by her window on my next night shift. When I did, she blew me a kiss, and I obliged her by fainting in the snow. I still hope to dance with her one day, but after that moment, what more can I ask for?

Anastasia was hiding up a tree in the afternoon. She was supposed to be studying but instead avoided her tutor. She only climbed down when I agreed to let her inside the guardhouse where it was warm, though I warned her that if a governess called I would have to escort her back to the palace. While Anastasia was resting on my bunk bed, she saw my journal on the bedside table and proceeded to read it. Ever since she first saw me writing she has been curious of its contents.

Anastasia came across a postcard of her family and another of herself in a white dress, both of which I keep in the journal. She returned to the palace and later came back with a copy of the original photo for me. The postcard of her family was signed by her siblings. Tatiana's signature was the most impressive. She signed hers with a grand flourish. Anastasia spent the next hour or so reading me her English essays. She was happy to practice with me because I did not behave like a tutor.

The scent of Anastasia's violet perfume was still on the bed sheets when I slept that night.