Journal of a Russian Imperial Guard soldier #10

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Alexander Palace, 21 December 1916

A funeral for Rasputin was held a short distance from the palace with the imperial family in attendance. While they were away, I neglected my duties and sat next to a river bridge on the edge of the park. I spent sleepless nights wondering what I had done to Olga. I had not seen her since we last spoke. It was peacefully quiet and I was glad to have some time to myself.

To my surprise, Olga appeared and sat next to me. Having filled her mind with doubt, she chose not to attend the burial. I do not know what excuse she gave for not going, but the empress must have been furious. Olga asked me about the letter and I reaffirmed its authenticity, telling her where I found it. She already knew it was Rasputin's as she recognized his handwriting, but was initially reluctant to accept it. Though the letter was in my pocket, she did not wish to read it again.

I never met Rasputin personally. My knowledge of him only came from newspapers and gossip, but Olga asked for my opinion of him. I think he was just a religious zealot who took advantage of her family's hospitality. But he should have been banished indefinitely from the capital, not assassinated. That was all I was willing to say to Olga. She doubts if her mother would have approved of banishing Rasputin, let alone sever all contact with him.

Olga removed a pendant from her necklace. It had a picture of Rasputin on it. She and her siblings have had one ever since he first came into their lives. Then she dropped it into the river, tucking the necklace with a baptismal cross back into her blouse. Olga feels that while it was perhaps necessary for him to be killed, it should not have been done so terribly. She knows that sooner or later she will have to visit Rasputin's grave, lest she defy her mother again.

Olga wanted me to swear that I will not tell her family about the letter. I could not bear to keep a secret from them, especially Marie and Anastasia. But I still care about Olga and don't want to lose her trust. I borrowed her cigarette lighter and used it to burn the letter, thereby ensuring the truth remains a secret between us. I told Olga how sorry I was for hurting her and she tearfully asked me to stay with her awhile longer, resting her head on my shoulder.